Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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