all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
