Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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