He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
