i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
