Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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