Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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