Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I had to cum in my sink.
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