my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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