just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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