Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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