My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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