NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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