Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
