i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
It's shark week go big or go home
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
