If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
