Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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