Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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