I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
