is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
