I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
