I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
