eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
