Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
