You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
