Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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