You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
