Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
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I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
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He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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