He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
