You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
