I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
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