I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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