Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
