just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
