I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
