your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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