If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
