Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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