listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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