she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
