I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
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Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
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You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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