are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
