On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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