if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
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