Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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