i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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