party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
