when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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