If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
