Yo dont text me then not text me
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize
