oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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