1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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