I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
