and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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