she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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