My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
